The Illusion of Perfection: Spiritual Bypassing as a Defense Mechanism
If you are a part of a spiritual community, you’ve probably heard phrases like “everything happens for a reason” and “speak your truth”. This type of New Age lingo has contributed to the rise of a phenomena referred to as spiritual bypassing. Spiritual bypassing is a fairly new concept. In fact, many Indigenous peoples practice coming together as a tribe to hold another accountable, work through problems amongst the tribal members, and come up with wise solutions.
Spiritual bypassing is more-than-likely birthed out of the psychedelic hippie movement, where tune-in-drop-outs preached the gospel of “love and light” amid a backdrop of war and economic struggle.
What is Spiritual Bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing is defined as…
"A tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks"
- John Welwood
The term was introduced in the mid 1980s by John Welwood, a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist. Welwood noticed that many people in the spiritual community had a tendency to wield spirituality as a type of defense mechanism. Instead of working through those more “difficult” emotions or confronting challenging situations, they would instead focus on fluffy spiritual explanations such as “well, everything happens for a reason, right?”
Common Types of Spiritual Bypassing
There are a few common types of spiritual bypassing (many of which I have experienced firsthand). They are:
“Good vibes only” - only focusing on the positive and choosing to avoid confrontation, difficult emotions, or perceivably challenging situations
Unattainable expectations - holding people to a ridiculously high - and often unachievable - standard and then getting upset when they do not adhere to that standard
Pretending that everything is fine or choosing to remain neutral so as not to disrupt your personal peace or out of a belief that spiritual people do not get involved in conflict
Believing you must “rise above” your emotions
Denying or avoiding accountability for your actions, words, and behaviors and referring to anyone “against you” as “just being negative”
Believing that all traumatic experiences are “learning experiences” and dismissing any need for accountability or justice
The Danger Posed by Spiritual Bypassing
Not only does spiritual bypassing create a sense of superiority on the part of the individual doing the bypassing, but it also allows for dangerous behaviors among spiritual communities such as abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, and delusional thinking. Spiritual bypassing can lead to individuals developing…
Codependency
Disregard for personal responsibility
Emotional and psychological confusion
Increased numbness / tolerance towards unacceptable or inappropriate behaviors
Shame and guilt
Narcissistic behaviors such as self-aggrandizement or believing you are ‘untouchable’
Cognitive Dissonance
One of the main reasons people avoid responsibility or accountability is because of something referred to as cognitive dissonance. We experience this dissonance when our brain tries to hold two seemingly opposing or contradictory thoughts or beliefs at the same time. Essentially, this creates an internal paradox within our psyche.
For example: you may believe that you are a good and spiritual person, which makes it difficult to admit that you harmed someone - because this would go against what you believe a good and spiritual person should do.
Rather than learning to go into our shadows, many people choose to defer, repress, or blatantly ignore as a result of cognitive dissonance.
Victim Blaming
Sayings like “it’s as nature/God intended” or “everything happens for a reason” perpetuate victim blaming by taking all of the responsibility away from the individual in question and placing it on the victim. I recognize that people may have mixed feelings about this, especially when it comes to spiritual principles such as the Law of Karma or the indigenous concept of soul contracts and agreements. But I think it’s important for each of us to recognize that teachings like this prime vulnerable individuals and trauma survivors to tolerate narcissistic abuse and gaslighting among spiritual communities and their so-called leaders.
Spiritual reasoning does not negate moral responsibility…and if you have chosen to acknowledge and respect the free will and personal autonomy of others (which I believe many of us have), then it is a form of spiritual bypassing to stand by silently as corrupt self-proclaimed shamans, gurus, and “healers” continually harm vulnerable people.
By dumping the weight of responsibility on the victim, we allow for ego-driven tactics of manipulation and control to continue to poison spiritual communities - making these spaces unsafe and disrespecting the sacredness of these containers in the process.
Now, this is not to say that there is not a level of self-responsibility in the aftermath of these abusive situations. By carrying around the narrative that you are a victim of life, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-responsibility (and radical self-love) are an important aspect of beginning to take steps to create a healthy, happy life for yourself after experiencing abuse. For more information on this, please check out these blog posts about overcoming sexual trauma.
How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
In order to prevent this type of behavior in our communities, we must first look inward at ourselves and the ways in which we (consciously or unconsciously) bypass difficult emotions, situations, and personal accountability. You can start by asking yourself the following questions:
Do I often label my thoughts and emotions as “good” or “bad”, “positive” or “negative”?
Do I find myself avoiding difficult emotions by distracting, numbing, or dissociating?
In what ways do I avoid accountability and self-responsibility in my life? Why do I avoid this?
Does it make you uncomfortable when other people express emotions such as sadness or anger?
In what ways do I dismiss the emotions and suffering of others?
There is a quote by anti-apartheid and human rights activist Desmund Tutu where he says:
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
We must look at the ways in which we avoid or “bypass” challenging emotions and situations. Emotions are a part of our human experience. To label any emotion as “better” or “worse” than another is a false perception adopted from our collective conditioning. It is our perception of these emotional states that creates thoughts and beliefs around them being “positive” or “negative”. No emotion is inherently anything but the emotion itself.
Learning to Balance Acceptance with Accountability
As we learn to accept the full range of emotions and experiences in our lives, we may also find that we develop a clearer sense of seeing truth from untruth. This sense of clear seeing is coming from your spirit - your essence. It often speaks without words, as a sense of just “knowing” - with no emotion or reactive thoughts attached. You may notice it as a sensation of something feeling “off” or a neutral-toned thought of “yes - this is aligned” or “no - this is not aligned”.
Begin to cultivate a direct connection to this inner sense of knowing. You may start by meditating on the nature of truth and justice and asking your spirit to guide you there. In activating this intuitive discernment within each of us, we can collectively hold one another accountable and live in true reciprocity with all of our relations.
